Sue Higgs:
July 23, 2017, 02.02 pm:
I am really struggling recently Dad. Im not sure if its 19 years of bottling everything up, not talking to anyone about it. It could be my mixed emotions and feelings. I have someone to talk to now but i find it so hard to say and talk about the day you left. He said maybe talking to my family might help. The only one I want to speak to is you, as you're the only one who has the answers.
But you're not here so i have so many unanswered questions and mixed emotions. I don't want to feel any mean emotions i feel towards you. I don't want to feel the mean emotions i sometimes have towards you; it makes me feel so guilty. I feel i deserve to feel that way as my punishment.
I know we have a visitor here, strange things happen and I am woken up by being tapped on the shoulder, but why? Is it you Dad?
I often think it’s you but maybe; wishing it were you, is more accurate. Then I start thinking why are you here? You could have been here in person, for real, to talk to, to hug, to stop this pain...but you left us so I feel that you can’t have it both ways. If you wanted to be here, you should have stayed.
Then the guilt sets in for feeling that way, and that’s where I’m struggling. I can't speak directly to you, and you're unlikely to ever read this, but i need to let go of my anger towards you, I can't talk about how you left us; I just can’t say the words; so i give references about others, who have gone the same way.
So I’m writing my feelings down bit by bit; i have 19 years of mixed emotions I have kept in. I love and miss you more than i am angry, but i need to cope with this. I need to be able to just love and miss you, it will always be painful and sad that you're no longer here; but right now Dad i have demons i need to face.
I will get there, i am just so sorry it has taken me 19 years to get here. Love and miss you more than i can ever say Dad xxxx"
This candle was first lit on the 18th of September 2017 and will burn for 93 years 4 months and 3 days.