Hey Dad, I took a step forward today. I had to revisit the day we lost
you, something I've tried not to do. It was very difficult reliving it and how bad it was for mum and Jodie. I still feel so angry towards you for Jodie though. But then i feel more guilt towards me. I just didn't do enough I should have checked on you all more often...I know i let you all down and i wont ever forgive myself for that. I talked through it, but i still couldn't say how you went, but gave more of a description. I was more concerned as to how my friend would feel hearing it, as telling it was horrible. Next step will be writing what happened, It's not like i am ashamed of you, it's just 19 years ago things were very different to what they are now...but when it comes to you, i am still in 1998. I have these dreams where someone is there, not scary but i feel their presence more than see them. But if i do see them, it's like something blocking the face i never quite see them or hear them...I wonder if it is you visiting me in my dreams. I don't have anything apart from dreams and memories of you but if its you why cant i see you? I miss you so much, after all this time i've only really just started to grieve. Now the anger and hate have started to subside, the grief, loss, hurt, upset and pain, so much pain has set in. I don't think any of us will ever get over losing you, but maybe the pain in our hearts will become more of a dull ache, what remains of our broken hearts anyway. I will write a proper memorial for you, after all its about you not me. I just need to tell you i need to speak to you and ive only got this site, there is your resting place, but its so far away, i can't just pop over. I will be there on Sunday though Dad, love you and miss you more than you could ever imagine xxxx